


Pills

by TeamParkGae



Series: In Tongues [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Talks, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Jonhhys trying his best, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nakamoto Yuta centric, Pining, Yuta can’t deal with things, neither can sicheng, post breakup, yuta centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 05:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17037437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamParkGae/pseuds/TeamParkGae
Summary: It’s been 3 months and Yuta’s not coping.Based off the song Pills by Joji (give it a listen)





	Pills

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry if this makes you sad. 
> 
> I tried, I know it’s not long but I tried. 
> 
> As with everything I write, it’s not Beta’d so be gentle :))
> 
> If any of y’all wanna follow me on twitter then it’s @tr0pical__night :))

Telling Sicheng how he’d felt had been hard. Hiding their relationship had been even harder. But the hardest thing was letting him go. He liked to pretend that the breakup had been mutual, that they'd both decided it was for the best and they would be fine. It wasn't fine. Nothing was fine. It had been 3 months since they parted ways, 3 long months of seeing each other every day. When they'd been together living in the same dorm had been a challenge, one they'd been ready to deal with. People always warned them that living together would be hard but when you're in a group with someone it’s not like you have much choice. 

In the end, it hadn't been the proximity that had destroyed their relationship. In fact, it was hard to say what had. There was never a breaking point. One day it was there and the next it wasn't. What really hurt Yuta was the fact that Sicheng seemed content to move on, he seemed ok. How was that fair? How could he move on when Yuta was still stuck in the same place? Still stuck with the same gaping hole in his chest that he felt the moment Sicheng called it quits. He tried not to be angry. He really did. But that was easier said than done and Yuta was tired, so very tired of pretending. He'd tried to speak to the younger a few times but every time he did the words stuck in his throat a beat too long and, much like it had always been, Sicheng was gone. 

Sleep seemed to elude Yuta often these days. Some nights it felt like he’d never be able to sleep again. His mind would whirr with thoughts of the pretty boy, his beautiful eyes, his captivating smile, his pure laugh. The Japanese boy would toss and turn for hours on end, desperate for sleep to take him. It rarely did. It seemed almost juvenile to be so infatuated with someone, to be so incapable of moving on with his life. He tried to will it away but a part of him revelled in the pain of loss. At least he still felt something. 

The dorm began to stir as the other members crawled out of their beds, ready to begin the day. He'd rather turn over and never see the outside of the bedroom again but that wouldn't happen. Couldn't happen. He was still a member of NCT and that was the first rule, the first promise, they made. No matter what happened between them, they wouldn't let it get in the way of the group's success. A part of him wanted to stay in bed just to spite his ex. But that part of him was bitter and weak and easy to ignore. He clambered out of the warm sheets and made his way to the kitchen to grab some coffee. Johnny had beaten him to the pot and was making himself a mug of the warm liquid. He glanced up at the younger and frowned. 

”you didn't sleep again last night, did you?” he asked, his voice laced with concern. Yuta simply shrugged in response and made his drink. ”Look, I know this is rough and you're finding it hard. I understand but-” 

”what could you possibly understand?” Yuta cut him off, tired of the pitiful glances everyone threw his way. Johnny sighed but let the Japanese boy continue his rant. ”You're fine. You've got your happiness and it’s not going anywhere. You have no idea what it feels like to lose your entire world.” He started to raise his voice, the lack of sleep making him a bit hysterical. Tears sprung to his eyes as he continued to vent. ”You have no idea what it’s like to fall for someone so unbelievably perfect that you spend every moment in awe of them. You don't know how it feels to want to spend the rest of your life with someone and know that they don't want to spend another minute of theirs with you.” Despite the state, Yuta had worked himself into he didn't miss the way Johnny's eyes widened with shock. At first, he assumed it was at his outburst but the older wasn't looking at him. Yuta turned to find Sicheng stood in the kitchen doorway. The Chinese boy was frozen in shock. Staring at Yuta like he’d grown a second head. No one moved for what felt like an eternity but eventually, it was Sicheng that spoke. His voice shaking a little. 

”Is that really how you felt about me?”

”Feel.” was all the older replied before he grabbed his coffee and brushed past his ex out of the room. 

The rest of the day was painfully awkward. Sicheng wouldn't even look at Yuta. Johnny, on the other hand, didn't seem to be able to tear his eyes away. It was like he thought Yuta was made of glass, ready to shatter at the simplest of touches. He wasn't wrong, but his constant watching didn’t help the younger feel any less fragile. When they took a break from their dance practice the American found an opportunity to approach his friend. He sat down next to the grey hair boy and gave him a weak smile. Yuta barely even registered his presence. Too emotional, tired, and angry to bother. 

”I’m sorry about this morning. You’re right, I have no idea what it feels like to be where you are right now. I didn't realise things ran that deep for you. I wish it had turned out better between you guys, I just want you to be ok.” he said kindly, placing his arm around the bony shoulders. Yuta sighed and gave in, for once, leaning into the touch and letting the older take some of his body weight as he slumped to the side. 

”Me too” he whispered, tears springing to his eyes again. ”I just really, really miss him.” he took in a shuddering breath to try and calm his emotions. It barely worked. ”I want to talk to him but he won't even look at me.” Johnny nodded and gave a light squeeze in response. 

*****  
”This isn't working.” Sicheng had said quietly. Yuta had looked so confused. ”Us, it’so we're not working.” the words had fallen out of his mouth and burned his tongue as they did. He had watched the way Yuta’s heart had broken. The Japanese boy freezing in place before slowly nodding. He said nothing, neither of them did for a long while. Then, in a voice so quiet it could barely be heard Yuta whispered. 

”If that's what you want.” He had left Sicheng standing there in the quiet living room at 3 am. Left and gone to his own bed and Sicheng had never felt less sure of anything in his entire life. 

***** 

Sicheng felt so guilty. It cut through him in sharp waves, making his heart do this weird twisty thing in his chest. At the time he’d swore he wouldn't regret it, that it was the right thing to do but now? Now he wasn't so sure. Hearing how hysterical Yuta had been that morning was heartbreaking. Did he really mean what he said? Did it matter? Of course, it fucking did Yuta was ready to give him everything and, deep down, he was too. But it was scary and everything was so stressful and just like he always did he panicked. Tried to offload any stress he could. But in doing so he’d pushed away something that he couldn't help but miss. 

3 months had felt like years. He tried so hard to be ok. To put on a brave face and move on. It was his decision after all. But every day it was getting harder and harder. 3 months of watching Yuta slowly crumble and disintegrate, like he was made of sand. Until, one day, he might just wash away. 

He watched the Japanese boy lean heavily against Johnny as they exchanged quiet words. He had to do something to fix this. 

After practice, the group decided to go out for dinner. As to be expected Yuta declined, wanting to be alone. Sicheng quietly followed. This time things would be different. He wouldn't let his fear get in the way. He wouldn't let the words catch his throat like they had everytime they tried to talk to each other. 

He slipped off his shows and followed the older into the kitchen. Yuta knew he was there but refused to even acknowledge him. Sicheng cleared his throat and felt his heart stop as the Japanese boy turned to look at him with tired, red-rimmed eyes. 

”What do you want from me?” Yuta asked. His voice weak and empty. Sicheng couldn't speak. ”Seriously Sicheng, what do you want?” 

”I’m sorry.” the Chinese boy whispered. Any other words evading his heavy tongue. Yura laughed coldly. 

”You're sorry?” He started, raising his voice in anger before it quickly faded to a croaky, heartbroken whisper. ”Me too. I wish I could have been what you needed.” tears spilt over and slipped down his cheeks. Sicheng shook his head and took a deep breath, tearing up as well. 

”You were. You are. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I let you go because I was scared. I was so stressed and scared and I didn't know how to cope and I pushed you away when the only thing I needed was to have you there with me. These last 3 months have been hell.” he trailed off, looking down and letting his tears spill onto the floor. 

”why? Why push me away? All I wanted was to be there for you. I thought you wanted that too. You were my happiness. I know that not healthy but I don't care. I needed you to be there for me too and you left me.” Yuta sobbed openly now, his shoulders shaking violently. 

Sicheng dived forward and wrapped him in a hug. He felt arms wrap around him too, holding on for dear life. After a few minutes, they parted. 

”what do we do now?” Sicheng murmured. The older shrugged his shoulders a little before replying. 

”I don't know. I don't know how to fix this. I want to be with you but... Its - these things don't just...” he trailed off, scrubbing the remnants of tears from his face. Sicheng nodded in agreement. 

”Maybe tomorrow we should talk properly. But I-” he paused, looking up with trepidation. ”I don't want to be alone tonight.” he whispered. Yuta smiled sadly. 

”I'm here.”


End file.
